It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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