Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
