That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sext me about skeletons
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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