Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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