cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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