Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I AM VODKA MAN
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
