so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
