Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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