In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
