i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
