i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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