if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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