My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
