so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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