Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
