they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
