Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
