just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
