If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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