my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you win again, gameday.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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