I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
