GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
