you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
