T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
