just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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