Where did you get a picture of my penis
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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