recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
