Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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