I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
