then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
