She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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