dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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