Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
