You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
