He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
