I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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