Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
