Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
