the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
