Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just want nice things and good sex
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
