I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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