Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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