HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
