I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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