Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
