I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
