I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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