Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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