I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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