i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
