I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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