so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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